Discover how traditional Chinese family values (roles of elders, parents, children) interact with modern life in China. Understand Chinese society better.
- Chinese Parents Game
- Chinese Parents Switch
- Chinese Parents Free
- Chinese Parents Beat
- Chinese Parents Game
- Chinese Parents Corporal Punishment
Asian parents are really strict when it comes to education. To them, an education equals a bright future for their child and from a young age, competition is inevitable between siblings, cousins, friends, family friends, and Asian parents tend to compare their child to every single other child out there. Chinese Parents is a digital-only game that has just been released for the Nintendo Switch.
When you visit a country, among other experiences, getting to know the culture and society of the place can be very enlightening. In China, family is regarded as the most important part of an individual's life. While modern Chinese families have abandoned many old practices, the importance attributed to family remains strong.
The Traditional Chinese Family
China is known for its strong family system. Traditionally, the Chinese family had well-defined roles for different family members.
Respect for Elders
Elders were supposed to be respected and followed unquestioningly.
In Chinese culture elders are viewed as a source of wisdom and spirituality, and they are respected to the extent that questioning their authority is considered offensive.
In traditional Chinese houses altars are made for deceased elders to honor and remember them. Even after departing from the world they are supposed to be the guiding forces in spirit. See more on The Culture of Death in China.
Middle-Generation Parents as Providers
Chinese Parents Game
Parents (or working-age adults) too had a very important part to play in the family as providers for all. While the elders were always at the controlling end for reasons of respect, the next generation married and had children as young as possible, and then worked as hard as possible to provide for both their parents and children.
Children as Future Investments
Chinese Parents Switch
Children had no authority over their own life and decisions were always made for them. Youngsters were always at the receiving end of family decisions. They were rigorously trained and prepared to serve their elders.
Men vs Women: Patriarchal Influence on the Family
In addition to being patriarchal, Chinese society is patrilineal. Therefore, even after marrying into a household, women are seen as the outsiders. In the Chinese family every relation has a different name. The names for family members on the maternal side begin with wai meaning 'outside'.
Emphasizing their external position, women who marry in China don't adopt their husbands' family name and retain their own family name. For example, if Miss Wang marries Mr Li, she becomes Mrs Wang, not Mrs Li.
Women's role in the family was firstly as child bearers, then as home makers and workers, always subservient to the men of the house.
How Changes in China Are Affecting Family Values
Even though times and attitudes are changing, some of the practices are so deep rooted within the culture that it is almost impossible to erase them completely. Where independence is encouraged early on in a child's life in the West, in China interdependence is taught, practiced and encouraged.
Children are not just raised by parents but often two or four grandparents too (usually firstly paternal grandparents). Chinese people often end up making important life decisions just because of the pressure from their elders.
The One-Child Policy
After the implementation of the one-child policy (1979-2015), Chinese society faced some major social imbalances. Since, in China a male child is responsible for the continuation of the family lineage, female infanticide became common. This restriction resulted in too much pressure on a single (male) child which consequently led to what is known as the 'Little Emperor Syndrome'.
The Little Emperor Syndrome
The extra-focused upbringing of a single child by parents and grandparents lead to a generation of spoiled individuals who would later be regarded as the self-centered, disobedient lot (“the Chinese millennials”).
The pressure that the whole generation underwent during its developmental years resulted in a generation of disturbed individuals who lack focus and a sense of responsibility. This generation is also held responsible for the further deterioration of the traditional Chinese family.
Filial Piety and Its Slow Disappearance from China
In present times, the norms of respect for elders are also changing drastically. So much so that elders may now even be facing a complete lack of respect from youngsters as they march towards a more individualistic society.
New Laws Concerning Marriage
In the 1950s new laws were introduced to the social scene in order to reform feudal practices and make more room for individuals and their needs.
Some of these laws included prohibition of live-in relationships, child marriage, and interference with the remarriage of widows. These laws advocated freedom of choosing ones' partners, equal rights for both sexes and respect for the elderly and care for the young.
Even though the laws were made, their implementation was still a major problem (owing to ever-changing national priorities in the early Communist era).
After undergoing the 10-year-long Cultural Revolution (1966-1976), Chinese society experienced a decline in its long-held moral values, which resulted in a value vacuum and a reassertion of feudal era practices with greater force.
In 1981 marriage laws were revised again. Women were given more rights and the minimum age for marriage was raised (22 for men, 20 for women). For the sake of population control, late marriage and childbirth was encouraged.
Divorce was made easier to obtain, which meant that unlike in old times, couples would not have to stay in a loveless marriage just for the sake of their parents and children.
For more on how things were, see Ancient Chinese Marriage Customs.
Western Influences (1980s onwards)
With the rapid growth of the Chinese economy came a growth in Western influences. In a world of communication and connectivity the Chinese society adapted to the new ways rather quickly. The modern family became more couple-centric. Unlike their ancestors, the focus of the marriage was shifted from childbearing to the individual needs of the couple.
The Modern Chinese Family
One of the most strikingly beautiful aspects of the Chinese culture is that despite being very strong in its set of beliefs and values, over time it has accepted modern influences and inculcated them into its culture without losing traditions completely.
The traditional roles and ways are still respected and given importance, but the modern family is more open and welcoming towards the needs of the current era.
The Chinese DINK Family (Double Income No Kids)
The modern Chinese family is more diverse in its structure. Couples no longer marry merely for the continuation of their lineage. Love has now became the center of the marriage. Despite reluctant parents, couples can now choose not to have kids and merely focus on their careers and the quality of their life.
While some couples choose not to have (so many) kids in order to avoid the financial burden of raising children, others avoid it to rebel against the traditional ways.
The Invisible Kid
Even though the DINK lifestyle is widely popular some couples eventually give in to their parents' pleas as they are pressurized to provide heirs for the continuation of the family lineage. These reluctant couples, who are psychologically rebelling against the old ways, leave their child(ren) to be raised by the over-loving grandparents.
This not-so-new practice leads to an estrangement of the child from the parents, but is a practical arrangement for poorer families, where income from the middle generation is relied upon to provide for retired parents and dependent children.
The Effects of the Rapid Rise of the Chinese Economy
As old farming ways give way to mechanization and larger farms, and the cost of living rises, more and more rural couples head to the cities as migrant construction/factory workers.
Family values, despite being a social issue, influence several domains because of the importance attributed to them in Chinese culture. Chinese couples are often responsible for providing for extended families, and therefore they are forced to look for better opportunities to earn away from home. For these homesick employees, independent decision-making becomes an issue as well as the pressure to earn more and more for dependent relatives.
Festivals and Holidays
The Chinese culture, despite undergoing several changes, is still rooted in its traditional values. Family and home are still the two most important components of an individual's life. It is a custom for those living away to make long journeys home for Chinese New Year and other traditional Chinese festivals.
Will Chinese Family Values Survive in Future?
Even after a number of significant changes, the basic Chinese family structure and its workings remain the same. While most societies are experiencing a cultural death, the Chinese culture is still very much alive with its strong values and belief system still governing the lives of individuals.
With global individualism and economics now affecting all (though somewhat less in China due to controls on education, the media, etc.), a complete preservation of interdependent extended family culture seems impossible.
The need of the hour is to consider and incorporate individual needs without losing the structural importance of the family.
Visiting a Chinese Family with China Highlights
Several of our tour products give you the opportunity to visit a Chinese family. You can also ask to visit a local family anywhere in China while booking and our travel experts will do their best to tailor it into your tour in a way that suits you.
In Beijing's hutongs you can make dumplings with a local family and learn about life in the traditional housing areas of Beijing. On our Tibet Everest Tour you can visit a Tibetan family living in simple conditions.
Having a family visit is mentioned on our Longji Terraced Fields page, where it is possible to see the way of life of the local minority people through having a meal with them. On our Guilin tours there are several family visit options, not just in Longji. You can also visit your travel advisor's family.
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This article is from China Daily.
Praise or criticism?
“American parents and teachers use more compliments and encouragement to help a child develop,” Chen says, adding it’s the opposite for Chinese parents.
Chen’s elder son Liu Changhao studies at an elementary school in Iowa City, so he learns the American way at school, but returns to a Chinese home.
“Sometimes he is confused about the different ways,” Chen says. “When he expects to get praise, it’s not always the case.”
Aumer says her Chinese mother never says things like, “Congratulations”, or, “I am proud of you”, but her American father says things like, “Good job, honey”.
Zhang Yuping, from China and the mother of a 17-year-old boy and 9-year-old daughter, says that when she receives her children’s course results she tends to concentrate on their failings.
“When I point out what they didn’t do well, my children always say, ‘Mom, why don’t you praise me for what I have done well?’” Zhang says.
More authoritarian
Li Xiaomei’s daughter, who was born in China and grew up in the US, was slapped on the face by her father when she refused to change her clothes.
Li’s husband thought her then 13-year-old daughter’s clothes were too revealing for her age and asked her to change into the clothes they bought her in China. She said no and added that he had no right to slap her.
Generally, Chinese parents are more authoritarian compared to American parents and expect their children to respect and obey, while American parents tend to see their children more as equals.
“For my mother, I think it’s hard because she grew up in a completely different environment,” Aumer says. “I am not always obedient.”
She says she’s not frightened of speaking her mind, but her mom usually retorts, “You shouldn’t talk to your mom like that.”
Josie Liu, the Chinese mother of a 4-year-old daughter, says she has adjusted her parenting to fit in with the US.
“When I grew up, my parents were pretty authoritarian,” Liu says, adding she has to be more “polite” with her daughter in the US and instead of saying, “Hey, you have to do this,” she asks, “Can you do this?”
Fostering independence
“Chinese parents are more likely to think children are vulnerable and dependent,” says Chen Shuang, a Chinese history professor at the University of Iowa.
He says Chinese parents will do everything they can for their children instead of encouraging them to develop independence. Typically, they feed their children up to the age of 3.
Joyce Long, an American mother and wife of a staff representative of the Christian organization The Navigators, agrees with Chen.
She has worked with and advised Chinese parents in Iowa City for 16 years. She says the goal of an American family is for children to feed themselves as early as possible while Chinese families follow children around or put them in a high chair to feed them.
Long says Americans will let children play by themselves, while Chinese parents feel someone should hold the child or be with the child all the time.
Great expectations
“Why didn’t you get first?” was the response Aumer got when she called her mother telling her that she got a second-place award for her photos from the Iowa Newspaper Foundation.
This attitude underlines the fact that Chinese parents are good at raising stereotypically successful kids, as they are strict about their children’s studies and have high expectations.
Liu Dongwang, the associate director of the Center for Asian and Pacific Studies, says he was not very successful raising his daughter, who will start her studies at the University of Iowa in the fall of 2011.
“She can only attend the University of Iowa,” Liu says. “I hoped she would have been admitted to one of those elite schools, and I would sell my house to pay for it if necessary.”
Long says Chinese parents not only want their children to do well academically, they also want them to excel at other things. Like Amy Chua’s children, they often expect them to take piano or violin lessons at a young age and practice for a long time.
“I believe they want their children to become really skilled,” Long says. “Maybe it’s part of the value system to do everything well.”
While Chinese parents expect their children to excel at what they do, American parents prefer their children to enjoy what they do. “I would practice piano if I liked it,” Aumer says.
But for her mother, practicing piano is not just a hobby and she demands that it is taken seriously. “Looking back, I should have listened to my mother,” Aumer continues. “I wish I had listened to her and kept practicing and not let my father intervene. I would be much better now.”
Testing the limits
Chinese Parents Free
When a bunch of Chinese mothers gather together, they will most likely talk about their children.
“Americans don’t usually ask somebody how their child did on a test like the ACT college entrance exam unless they’re really good friends,” Long says. “Chinese parents fee free to ask such questions.”
Long says Chinese parents will compare their kids, even in front of them, which she believes can be hurtful.
Chinese Parents Beat
Chinese parents, however, believe it motivates their children.
“Sometimes I will ask my children about their friends’ scores when I see their transcripts,” says mother Zhang Yuping. “Often they will tell me it is not right to compare them.”
Chinese Parents Game
Aumer says she is always being compared with her sisters. Though she is the tallest girl in the family she is also the fattest and she hates being told to lose weight all the time.
“When I tell my friends (about this) they are shocked,” Aumer says. “But I don’t take offence because I know she (mom) doesn’t mean it.”
Chinese Parents Corporal Punishment
Confucian culture
“I guess Americans believe a kid should be independent,” says Chen Tingting, but Chinese families are often dominated by Confucian ideas, which means a child has obligations to the entire family.
Chinese parents want their children to be successful mainly for their children’s own good, but they also want their children to bring honor to the family.
“I’m not supposed to be over critical of my son. But sometimes I am still influenced by the Chinese way of thinking, so that I feel I lose face because my son is not behaving well,” the mother says.
“I try to avoid thinking that my son is part of me,” she says.
A middle way
Despite the huge differences between American and Chinese parenting styles, when Chinese raise their children in the US, they will gradually incorporate some of their values.
“Before we came here, the way we educated our kids and the way Americans do is like different tracks,” Chen Tingting says. “Now it seems those tracks are getting closer to each other.”
She is searching for a middle way between the two cultures and says though she does not want to raise her kids exactly like typical Americans, she is influenced by them.
“We do try to give more encouragement to our kids,” Chen says, but change is not always easy. “I am Chinese. Some concepts are deeply rooted.”
Raising kids in another culture, however, does have its benefits. Joyce Long says whenever somebody lives in a new country, they can always pick up some of the good aspects from that culture and at the same time, keep some of the good values of their own culture.
By searching for a middle way these parents search for the right way and the best of both worlds.
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